SAOLATM

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Finally sharing my secrets on making a lot of money with the internet
see my blog http://www.blogger.com-featured.us/blog/?f=aHR0cDovLzI5Lm1lZGlhLnR1bWJsci5jb20vYXZhdGFyXzIyNTY4MzNjNGM1OF8xMjgucG5n;n=c2FvbGF0bQ==

So…. Time is currently showing 3:33 AM. And i’m still wide awake. Working on an assignment, a 20 page essay that doesn’t even have one line of words already written.

In short, i’m pretty much screwed.

But here i am, writing, instead of going into panic mode, crazily running around crying or looking for ways to escape.

I’m not in panic mode. Yet, probably, but at this time, only a slight hint of worry that came to my mind. I’m tired, but, right now, the most dominant feeling that i have is a mixed dose of sweet, and sour. A feeling that you get when you feel like you know, you should be thankful over everything that you got, but at the same time, you also know, that for one reason or the others, you haven’t reach your max yet. You’re not running in 100% mode. So the keywords here is, compare and potential.

Why compare? Well, let’s play a game of memories. Not even a year ago, but only six months ago, i was pretty much just a big lump of meat trying to spend my days into happiness without real purpose. Ok, not exactly without any purpose. I still got long-term goals, of course, but in terms of short-term, i have nothing in mind. In short, i wasn’t doing anything useful.

But now, i’m back in the routines again. Routines that i should be happy for just being a part of it, somehow. Because this is my dream. Back when i was accepted in University of Indonesia, i didn’t have a big dream. I only want to learn. Read lots of books, answer questions that had been lingering in my mind for a long, long time.

And that 3 things that i mention just now, it’s my daily routines now. So no matter what i do right now, those 3 simple things can still brings smile in my face. Even if it’s only a slight smile, but it can still move me up from my bed everyday, and sleep with some kind of pride.

The 2nd part of my daily routines is friends. I am so damn thankful for every one of my friends right now. I know some of them might not regard me as a friend, but honestly, i regard everyone that i met everyday as my friends. At the beginning of my terms here, what i’m focusing on everyday is friends. I don’t want to let them down, and i want to be a good listener. Let them think that i’m not interesting or have anything important or anything like that, but i want them to always think that i regard them as really important. Because, well, that’s the truth.

And let’s be honest here. Without friends, i am nothing. That last line isn’t exactly inspiring, but it’s real enough to be a cliche. It was a reminder to me, a fan of some big & important figures, a political-something wannabe, that i need to learn how to develop friendship. And trust me, in this case, i’m still trying. And i’m making many mistakes, everyday. But i know that to make mistakes is to learn, and to learn is to have bigger mistakes. And then some.

So and but, compare to 6 months ago, i was better now.

But the 2nd keywords, here, is potential. Here is a keyword that i feel so important; one that i should always watch, or even write it in huge black bold text on a single piece of paper, and stick it above my desk.

I am sure that if there’s even one person reading this blog, he or she will know what i’m talking about in the last paragraph, and why i’m doing it. So i don’t need to explain much about this thing called potential.

What i want to talk about is the fact that i have this feeling right now, a feeling of sadness. Not exactly your-mother-died-and-you-have-to-bury-her kind of sadness, but the kind that can be related to fear.

Fear is a word that i always try to avoid saying. It is a word that, in the beginning of my terms here, i always try to tame. When i was afraid of saying hello, i try to say hello to everyone in the vicinity. When i was afraid of being judged as weird due to my too-large-a-shirt and emo-hairstyle (yes, i’m aware of both of them during the week), i try to compliment others for their style instead. I try to appreciate people for being original, not for being normal. Because i want them to judge me as original also.

So now we came to tonight. I wrote this short, um, some kind of an essay-thing, i guess, because of this feeling that for quite some time after last vacation to Indonesia, i’ve been following my fear. And this is something that i feel is holding me down. The potential is here, the door is always open. But when i’m afraid of what’s behind the door, that’s when i really lose, instead of when i lose the battle against the monster inside.

Because, here, in the 3rd keywords, is the real way to win everything. And the keyword is, trying.